“If they love me” is a dynamic which is very common, but not very healthy when it comes to relationships. “If they love, they would give me a gift”; “If they love me, they would remember my birthday”; “If they love me, they would know that I need a hug everyday”; “If they love me, they will care for me by doing ……………………………….. This blank here and in the title is to be filled by you according to your specific relationship situation, but I hope you understand what the ‘If they love me’ dynamic is and how we all have felt it at one point in life.
But what we need to realize is that LOVE and NEEDS BEING MET are two different things. Being loved by someone doesn’t have to be associated with expectations and demonstrations of love and care. Of course, if they love you, they should care about your happiness but it’s possible that they love you even when they are not able to meet those needs of yours which would make you happy. Someone can love you very deeply but not be able to care for you in a way you expect them to. And that DOES NOT MEAN that they don’t love you.
Each person has their own internal world of emotions
We all grow up in different families and backgrounds. We all have seen a different version of marriage in our parents. We all have different parameters of what love, care, security, respect mean. And most of all, we all grow up with our emotional, physical, mental needs having been met by our parents or caregivers differently. Some of us have abandonment wounds because of being neglected in childhood, some of us never learnt how to deal with heavy emotions, some of us grew up in a joyful secure environment and we learn to trust the world and our own worth, some of us became too responsible too soon and exhausted themselves as they reached adulthood, some of us saw a lot of family disturbance and conflict and lost faith in relationships and some of us developed a deep desire to find a happy, loving relationship.
And depending on how we grew up, we all have developed an internal world of emotions whether we are aware of that world within us or not. Depending on how we grew up, we have formed beliefs, expectations and behaviours around love and relationships. Therefore, when we fall in love with someone, we act according to those beliefs, expectations and learnt behaviours, And we give and receive love as we know it.
“If they love me, they will do those things which make me happy”
Now irrespective of how we grow up, deep down, we all have this universal expectation. But the conflict arises when their emotional, physical & mental capacity is different from the capacity required to meet your emotional, physical & mental needs. They may love you very much for who you are as a person, they may be attracted to you, they may have a deep desire to make you happy, but because of their internal world of emotions, they sometimes can’t find a way to everything which will bring you happiness. For example, your person might have a genuine wish to spend more time with you, but because they have a lot of family responsibilities, they are unable to do so. Another example would be someone who wants to express his true feelings but is scared of being rejected or abandoned if they show you who they truly are. Someone might not understand your need for space because they always sought closeness and connection but never got it in their family. The list is endless
This is why the ‘If they love me’ dynamic is one of the reasons for failure in relationships.
What’s the Solution?
The solution is always understanding yourself and your loved one. The solution is to try and understand his internal world of emotions. But only after understanding your world of emotions first. Understand what are your needs which you want your special person to meet. Understand polite ways to communicate your needs. Understand that one person cannot meet all your needs and therefore, learn to expand your life in a joyful way. Understand that your special person makes you happier, and not happy. Understand that their way of expressing love and care may be different than yours. And most importantly, understand and believe that they do love you even if they can’t meet all of your expectations. So together, let’s let go of the ‘If they love me’ thinking immediately. Let’s focus more on believing in their love for you and understanding each other 🙂
